Letter to a Friend

I’m disappointed in myself for not saying this when it happened, and that’s part of the problem;

That’s gay.

You’re gay.

Just because we all know you are joking doesn’t give you the permission to say whatever you want. And if I call you out on it and your response is “Nicole, if it bothers you then you can go find your safe place and sit in it,” Check yourself.

So what if you are genuinely ok with gay people? Then you shouldn’t want to say shit like that in the first place. Now, I know I’m a cys white female with two kids and a husband talking to a cys single white male, but that’s my fucking point.

You are not standing up to derogatory vocabulary or checking what comes out of your mouth. You expect other people to “know that’s not what you meant” or “see that you’re acting this way because you’re upset about something else so it’s ok” so we should accept your right to say whatever you want. That is privilege. To not feel obligated to watch what you say in order to not offend anyone. That’s not stepping on tiptoes to speak to people, that’s respectful fucking communication.

“We’ve joked like this and you’ve never said anything before.”

You’re right. And I need to apologize for that, and not just say to myself “Oh well I know he’s a good person deep down and really doesn’t care if you like sleeping with anyone of any gender, so I shouldn’t really say anything. It isn’t that big of a deal.”

Your words are 1000 little nicks in the perfectly polished surface. One might not be a big deal, but one every day creates a piece of garbage. This is how you let the problem keep existing instead of helping. This is why you’ve probably heard me say it a few times myself, because I’ve allowed myself to get used to hearing it.

Disappointing, lame, not cool, sucks, frustrating, unpleasant, disheartening, dismal, dreadful, super shitty.

Pick one.

Catch them all.

There’s just nowhere in the Thesaurus where you will find gay to be a synonym of any of those words.

Privilege. A special right granted or available to a person or group of people.

Am I making this easier for you to understand now? You do not have the right to say it just because you do not mean it.

Hope this helps,


PS. My definition of friendship doesn’t include belittling statements like telling me to go sit in my safe place if I’m uncomfortable, especially in my own home. Don’t do it again.




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