Gardening


I never trusted you to totally understand what love looks like until I started gardening.

I don’t mean buying plants from a store and re-homing them in your dirt. I mean taking a dormant seed, puncturing the earth, and planting it there.

I may live here but I wasn’t born here.

Which somehow reminds me that I keep forgetting to take out the trash. More like procrastinating about getting rid of the garbage inside my house. I keep remodeling like new paint and furniture will make it feel like mine.

This house never felt like mine.

I planted a bean stalk in the back yard and climbed up to trade the very best parts of myself for gold. When I came back down to earth I just left it there so the giant could come back whenever it wanted to. That was part of the deal.

I’m starting to think I gave up too much.

Are there giants that exist that don’t ask you to give up anything? Do some of them have a farm full of free geese for people who need a helping hand?

I’ve been using seed starter pods in my kitchen because this house sits on sand. There isn’t any dirt so nothing grows here naturally but weeds. I wish that was a metaphor for something. That’s just being blind and not seeing the signs literally outside my front door.

I found some seeds in the dusty corner of a dark closet and had the intense urge to bury them in the sand. to grow in the environment I too must live in, not the pretend greenhouse in my kitchen. You probably thought I forgot about them.

Then Patience. The virtue I was not born with, introduced to, brushed past once on a sidewalk. Wake up a little earlier each day, water them, fertilize them sometimes. And wait. And trust that if you take care of it that it will grow.

How am I supposed to trust anything when I was taught that before every trust exercise you sneak in beforehand and build yourself a safety net?

I no longer participate in trust exercises. Stopped building safety nets out of other peoples expectations and ideas of what my garden should look like. I get to decide what grows here, now.

I started to trust myself and I started gardening.

When I started to trust myself I realized that you understood what love looks like. I just never trusted you to. When I started to trust myself I realized what love looks like.

Love looks like gardening. You’ve just known it all along.

 

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